Compatibility is important in a long-term relationship. Most people measure their compatibility in the more obvious arenas of finance, housekeeping, eating habits, hobbies, and socializing. However, one important component of relationship compatibility that is often overlooked is sexuality.  Many couples think this is a minor part of their relationship. Yet sex and sexual compatibility can play a major role in the long run. 

I’ve long realized that sexuality is multifaceted and can mean different things to different people.  Differences tend to reveal themselves in experience, preference, and desired frequency.  When assessing for sexual differences, I usually ask the following questions: How many times a week would you ideally like to have sex? Do you know how often your partner would like to have sex? Do you actually know or are you assuming?  Next, I usually go into more specific questions such as these: Do you know your partner’s top three to five preferred sexual positions or practices?  Do they know yours?  It’s more often the case that clients don’t know the answers for certain. These are the kinds of conversations many people don’t have - or even think about having.  What if one person would like to have sex five days a week and the other once a week to once every other week?  There is nothing wrong with partners having different levels of desire. However, issues could arise if a major difference exists.  There could be feelings of frustration, unreleased sexual energy, or not feeling as connected to their partner as they wish they were. In an ideal world, each person's level of sexual desire would be exactly the same. But that usually isn’t the case.  Acknowledging the differences and figuring out ways to manage them is better than pretending they don’t exist and allowing them to become a bigger problem.

Sexual style also varies by person and couple.  Do couples talk openly about their fantasies?  Do they prefer more mainstream sex or alternative sex?  This could include openness to role-playing, using toys, or incorporating sexual fantasies.  Some people like to experiment and try new things, whereas others are satisfied with what is tried and true for them.  Again, neither preference is wrong; yet being with someone who has very different views on their sexuality could lead to issues in the relationship. If one partner is often feeling unsatisfied and potentially bored with their sex life, they could start becoming resentful and frustrated.  Generally, people in a committed relationship have an investment in their partner's happiness, which should include sexual satisfaction.   

It’s important to communicate about these differences with your partner to have a better understanding of each other’s expectations.  Great sex needs good communication.  Couples also need to know that levels of sexual desire fluctuate during a long-term relationship.  For example, new parents are often too tired and busy to have sex, but they could find other ways to connect in an intimate way.  If one of the partners is experiencing a busy or stressful time at work, they may be zapped of any extra energy for sex if they feel they have other requirements.  They may need to work on alternative ways to feel connected to their partner. Again, communication is key. 

Being compatible doesn't mean that both partners need to be identical. But they do need to be able to accept each other's differences and work together to create a satisfying sex life that will last for years.