Couples often come into therapy filled with disappointment in how their relationship has developed. In one of the first conversations I have with these couples, we explore the expectations about long-term relationships that they brought to the marriage. What I often find is that many of their expectations are unrealistic. These expectations often stem from outdated advice given by parents and other well-meaning individuals, from movies andCouples often come into therapy filled with television, or from inaccurate magazine articles.

What follows are some of the unrealistic ideas and expectations that I encounter...

1. Compromise on everything. While learning to compromise is definitely a helpful tool, what often becomes more important is learning how to pick and choose “battles” carefully. Arguing over every minor thing will lead to frustration and dissatisfaction. Sometimes there is a “winner,” sometimes there is a compromise, and sometimes a resolution won’t be reached at all. In fact, even in happy, healthy relationships, the majority of arguments remain unresolved. Furthermore, a large number of these arguments are chronic, which means they happen over and over. Healthy couples discover a way to find some humor in these chronic arguments and discover a way to comfortably live with the issues that brought them on.
2. Never walk away from an argument. It isn’t advisable to allow an argument to escalate to where one (or both) of the partners has become so angry that they need to leave. Yet this does happen. If one partner is on the brink of saying something very hurtful to the other one, walking away and taking a breather is the better option. This allows the brain time to process and the body time to cool down, which, in turn, allows the prefrontal cortex of the brain to work more efficiently.
3. Never go to sleep angry. If the argument is happening at night and is running into important sleep time, or if there doesn’t seem to be a resolution in sight, sometimes going to sleep is necessary. While sleep in this situation may be restless, it will help to slow the angry couple down and let them process things more thoroughly. Going to sleep doesn’t necessarily mean that the argument or discussion is over. If either partner considers the issue important, then by all means the couple should continue the discussion the following day, rather than sweep it under the rug.
4. Happy couples never argue or have a disagreement. This is simply untrue. Everyone is an individual and, by nature, will at times be inclined to disagree with others, including loved ones. This is normal. Furthermore, life changes, such as a new job, a child, or even aging, can lead to stress. This stress, or even differences in how each person copes with stress, can often lead to arguments.
5. Happy couples are always passionate about each other. Sex in a relationship often has peaks and valleys. However, for many couples, when they encounter the first valley, they’re unprepared. They worry that something might be wrong with their relationship. Stress, illness, hormonal changes, and lifestyle changes, such as having children, are examples of issues that may lead to a valley in a couple’s sex life. Maintaining the emotional and romantic connection will aid the couple in rebuilding their sexual connection.