Understanding the Vulnerabilities behind Affairs
It’s no secret that most of us want to trust our spouse or partner and believe they would never cheat. We also prefer to believe, like Meatloaf, that “I won’t do that.” However, we recently went to a sex therapy workshop where the presenter, Dr. Barry McCarthy, labeled this ideal as "being in denial and unrealistic." And while the hopeless romantic inside of me wanted to scoff, the realist had to concede and recognize that what he was saying was true. Anyone is capable of having an affair.
A commonly held belief is that when an affair occurs it must be because there is something wrong in the relationship. While this is sometimes the case, the majority of affairs aren’t symptomatic of problems in the relationship. For many couples in my practice, the person who had the affair states that they love their partner and don’t want to lose them. They maintain that they don’t know why they acted out with someone else; they report a satisfying sex life at home; they feel that their emotional needs are being met; and they weren’t actively seeking a new sexual partner.
Most affairs occur due to one simple element: opportunity. Now don’t get me wrong: Guys' and girls' night out shouldn’t be forbidden, and business trips away can't be avoided. However, while opportunities will inevitably occur, one always has a choice of whether or not to act on them.
Some affairs occur because of marital vulnerability. Couples may experience such vulnerability when they’re facing issues with their children, when one of them has lost a job, or during times of sexual dissatisfaction. While these situations may open up a vulnerability, they don’t indicate probability. In other words, a spouse might be experiencing marital dissatisfaction, but this doesn’t mean they’re going to cheat. In other cases, a spouse who is more susceptible to the effects of vulnerability may take advantage of opportunities to act out sexually in a distorted hope that this will help them feel alive again.
The key to preventing an affair(s) is being in tune with your individual and couple vulnerabilities that could lead to it. By openly discussing these vulnerabilities, the couple is better able to utilize prevention methods, have better insight into their own behaviors, recognize when a vulnerability is occurring, and stop the behavior before it goes too far. These vulnerabilities can include things like alcohol, feeling lonely, and enjoying the feeling of being desired by someone other than the spouse.
It’s also important to affirm the value you each place on trusting one another and to discuss your continued commitment to having a satisfying and secure relationship. And finally, as scary as it may seem, sharing your feelings of vulnerability can help you and your partner feel more intimately connected as well.
It’s hard to believe, but nearly 70% of marriages survive affairs. If an affair does occur, don’t make any rash decisions. The injured partner’s emotions, such as pain and anger, will be running high. This is a normal reaction to discovering an affair. After the discovery, if the partners decide to stay together and attempt to heal the relationship, it’s important to work with a therapist toward the goal of rebuilding trust, since it’s often the secrecy and lies that the injured partner struggles with the most. There are also many great books that can be helpful when working through this healing process. And in this process the couple should try to achieve two things: recognize and communicate the individual and couple vulnerabilities that could lead to another affair, and make continued agreements to commit to a satisfying and secure relationship.
