Our society is definitely moving toward having a more open attitude when it comes to sex. "Locker room" talk isn't just for the guys anymore. Start paying attention, and you're likely to hear ladies gabbing about sex over a pitcher of skinny margaritas too. However, many people still have hang-ups about talking to their partner directly about what they like and don't like. Fears that our partner will think we're weird/freaky/nasty/whiny (pick a word) or concerns that our partner won't be willing to try our request often make us hold back.  

While you're already ahead of the game if you can tell your partner things like "that feels good" or "kiss my neck when you do that," there are topics that are sometimes better left for a discussion at the kitchen table, not between the sheets. Examples include wanting to try a new sex toy, expressing a desire to explore a sexual fantasy, bringing another person into the sexual relationship, or sharing a request for change.

Working with a Certified Sex Therapist will help you and your partner work through any underlying anxieties or fears you may have about having this important conversation. But in the mean time, here are some tips to generate a healthy discussion in a nonthreatening way.

Set aside time. Choose a time dedicated to this particular discussion. Free yourself from any distractions. This conversation should not be had when the TV is on, while you're folding laundry, or when you're on your way to dinner. Start by telling your partner how much you care for them and that you'd like to set aside time to "talk sex." The truth is, talking about sex can sometimes be an unsexy conversation. Don't let this hold you back. Both you and your partner are likely to feel a little bit nervous. That's okay! If you are both open to hear what the other has to say, you'll get through it and will be closer in the end. Scheduling a time also gives your partner a little bit of time to think about what they may want to say to you.

Think about what you want to say ahead of time. Spend some time thinking about what specific issues you'd like to address, and make a list ahead of time so you won't leave anything out. A discussion about your sex life in general may feel overwhelming to both you and your partner. It is better to address specific concerns, such as "I'd like to discuss implementing a new sexual position" as opposed to "We need to talk about our sex life" Keeping the conversation narrowed down to specific points will calm nerves and keep you focused.

Use I-statements. I-statements provide you with more ownership of your feelings and take the pressure and blame off your partner. "I would like it if you touched my penis with more pressure" is better than "You don't know the way I like to be touched." I-statements require more vulnerability and self-disclosure, which fosters greater emotional connection and trust - all keys to really great sex!

Listen attentively. You may have initiated the conversation, but it's not all about you! This is the time to hear what your partner has to say as well. Remember, your partner may also feel uncomfortable at first. It is important to give them time to express their concerns, feelings, and reactions. Reflect back on what your partner said to ensure you heard them correctly. If you think you may have a different perspective on what your partner meant by what they said or did, check it out with them!

Balance likes and dislikes. You do not want to come across as "complaining." For every one or two things you want to change about your sex life, state at least one thing you enjoy about it. Always talk to each other with respect. Eliminate shaming, blaming, and criticizing. Everybody needs a little validation and encouragement. Tell your partner what you love about them.

Continue the discussion. One of the most exciting things about sex is that it can be very dynamic and evolving. Therefore, it is best to continue the discussion before, during, and after sex. You may have never spoken to your partner during sex about what you particularly like or dislike, but now is the time to learn. Use this as an opportunity for growth in your relationship. You are learning together. In your initial discussion, state that you would like the freedom to show your partner what you like during the act of lovemaking. Don't rely solely on nonverbal cues. Also spend some time after sex to reflect.

So you've gotten through the talk. Now time for some action!

If after trying these tips you still feel dissatisfied or your partner seems unreceptive, schedule an appointment with a Certified Sex Therapist. We are here to help!