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Becoming a Supportive Presence to Your Child 

October 28, 2016

Ever feel overwhelmed and lost as what to do when your child has a meltdown? Or do you find yourself confused about how to discipline your teenager who lashes out, shuts down, or refuses to comply with the rules? Whether you have a little one throwing temper tantrums or a hormonal teenager experiencing an emotional breakdown, your response to your child/teen should start with checking in with YOU.  

Checking in cannot be emphasized enough.

In the heat of a meltdown or breakdown, emotions begin to run wild. As your child/teen is experiencing a rush of tangled emotions, you also are experiencing a physiological response. In this moment, it is crucial to tune in to your emotions, recognizing and acknowledging the feelings that have come up, and where the tension lies within your body. You have your own fears, worries and protective instincts. These uncomfortable feelings may be triggered by your child, and you may find yourself initially responding with anger. Responding with anger can frighten your child and compound feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, and fright. Thus, the most immediate solution to these crisis situations is to tune in to your own reactions.  

What does checking in look like?

  • First notice where the feeling has manifested in your body. This may feel like tension in the chest, hands, or shoulders, or perhaps a wave of heat flowing through the body.
  • Notice your physical symptoms without judgment.
  • Then, take 5 slow and deep inhales and exhales. The inhale will assist with giving you the energy to attend to your child. The exhale will help with tension and provide a sense of calm. Taking the time to breathe is a simple yet crucial way to help your logical and emotional brain “reboot,” so that you can make rational parenting decisions when your child is in crisis.

When you are checking in, you are also modeling a positive coping skill to your child showing them that it is okay to take a few moments to breathe and re-center. 

Once you have reached a sense of calm, become an active listener to your child.

You may reiterate and validate the feelings and experiences he/she might be having and give them reassurance that as a parent, you are here to listen. Younger children may not have the words to fully express their frustrations. In this case, it is a good opportunity to give them something tangible to squeeze, fidget, or play with as they continue to unwind. It is important to note that you never want to minimize or invalidate your child’s experience. While you might have the best intentions in mind, saying phrases such as “get over it,” “stop crying,” “you’re fine,” is not helpful; your child will interpret those phrases to mean that you do not care for his/her wellbeing and may lead to feelings of shame and guilt. Instead, reflect with your child on another time that her/she faced an obstacle and got through it. You may point out strengths and positive qualities that your child possesses giving them reassurance that his/her strengths are the tools that equip and prepare them to face challenges that life presents. 

Being a supportive presence to your child does not mean having all the solutions to your child’s problems. Being a supportive presence means taking a moment to find a sense of calm through life’s ups and downs both within yourself and within your child, acknowledging and validating the feelings and experience, and always reassuring your child that they are loved and cared for exactly as they are.  

 

Photo from Shutterstock, Father Supporting his Daughter at Home by Pressmaster

Becoming a Supportive Presence to Your ChildĀ